Things Ian watches: TELL NO ONE

2006, dir. François Cluzet

This is the second French film I’ve watched in a short while, which is bit weird. But French films are super cool! The men dress great, the woman are all beautiful, and the main character often drives a Volvo. TELL NO ONE delivers on all three counts.
TELL NO ONE combines two of my favourite genres:

• European mystery with lots of lesbians, sex, and gruesome murder (a la The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo).
• Hitchcockian thriller where a regular dude gets accused of a crime he didn’t commit and is chased by cops and bad guys while simultaneously uncovering THE TRUTH.

The film has as great hook: Eight years after his wife’s murder, a man gets an email from… his “dead” wife. DUN DUN DUN. A twisty-turny tale of conspiracy and deception follows. TELL NO ONE doesn’t bring anything new to the genre but its still a good watch. It won’t knock your socks off but fans of mysteries and thrillers will enjoy it.

However, there is a lengthy chase sequence midway through the film that indeed knocked my socks off. It was so good I fear the director will be hired by some big studio and start making terrible Hollywood films. Unfortunately, Tell no One falls into the trap that many films of this type do: at the end of the film, a character sits down and explains the entire plot to the protagonist in a boring 15-minute monologue, with the requisite flashbacks that explain everything. Screenwriters: stop doing this.

A couple days after I saw this movie it was announced that Ben Affleck in talks to remake it. I don’t really have a strong opinion on this. It certainly doesn’t need to be remade, but Affleck is a fairly solid, albeit unspectacular, director. If he sets it in Boston, I'm in. Love those Boston movies!

Things Ian Watches: THE NINTH CONFIGURATION

1980, dir. William Peter Blatty

One of my favorite film subgenres is the slow-burn psychological horror film -  THE SHINING, ROSEMARY'S BABY, the recent HOUSE OF THE DEVIL, or even aspects of some of David Lynch's work. I love the feeling of creeping Lovecraftian dread as the face of evil slowly reveals itself and the protagonists descend into madness. Sounds fun, right? While it’s not exactly a horror film (depending on your outlook on life, you could view it as a dark comedy), THE NINTH CONFIGURATION is one of the best examples of the genre I’ve seen.  

THE NINTH CONFIGURATION is one of two films directed by Wiliam Peter Blatty, writer of THE EXORCIST (A recent viewing of which has reminded me that it is one of the best films ever made, horror or otherwise). He calls this film the spiritual sequel to THE EXORCIST – though there is basically no relation plotwise, both films share common themes about loss of faith and the questioning of God’s existence. Which is heavy but always incredibly intriguing to me.Stacy Keach stars as a military psychologist assigned to an experimental mental institution for Vietnam veterans, which for some reason is in a Bram Stoker-esque medieval castle in the middle of a rainy Northwestern forest. Shockingly, some weird events happen! A veritable buffet of ugly characters fills out the rest of the cast, which is essentially all I ask for in a film.

This description may make the THE NINTH CONFIGURATION seem like a depressing slog, but the dark moments are punctuated by a lot of sharp, witty writing, and dark humour - a running plot thread has one patient trying to direct a Shakespeare adaption starring dogs:

        “Why are you teaching the dogs Shakespeare?” 
        “Someone's got to do it.”

Filled to the brim with strange, unnerving imagery, clever writing, and great performances, I loved this film.

SIDEBAR: Watching this film reminded me of another creepy movie set in a mental institution, called SESSION 9. Shot entirely on location at the abandoned hospital that inspired Arkham Asylum, of Batman and Lovecraft fame, it’s definitely worth checking out. It is also a film of note because it is one of the only things that David Caruso has done that isn’t terrible. Another entry in the slow-paced horror genre that I definitely recommend. 

No seriously, SESSION 9 is really good. I know Caruso is a tough pill to swallow, but you’ll have to take my word for it.

Things Ian Watches: THE WAGES OF FEAR

1953, dir. Henri-Georges Clouzot

This movie seems to have a lot going against it at first glance. It’s French, from the early 50s, and its black and white.  I know what you're thinking, total snoozefest. But wait! It actually delivers tons of ownage at a rapid pace.

The setup is simple: For some quick cash, four morally suspect men have to transport two trucks full of nitro glycerin through the South American wilderness. One false move, and explosions happen all over the place. Shockingly, the roads are not well-maintained whatsoever, so it’s a treacherous journey with danger at every turn. Once the film finally gets going (it takes an hour for them to get into the trucks), it’s incredibly suspenseful. The classic themes revolving around the evils men do for money are handled well, especially in the downbeat and thought-provoking ending.

The lead actor is one of the suavest dudes I’ve ever seen, Yves Montand. He is showing of that bare chest and doesn’t care who knows it! Did all guys look this cool in the 50’s? From watching old movies, it sort of seems that way. Wikipedia tells me he was also a internationally renowned crooner, which makes sense. Anyways, his character decides getting some quick cash and risking his life are more important than hanging out with his hot barmaid girlfriend in town. Probably not the decision I would make. Moral of the story is: Money = Bad. Spicy Latina ladies = Good!

By the way, in 1977 this film was remade as SORCERER, which is considered one of the biggest flops of all time – it opened to terrible reviews a week after Star Wars, so probably about eight people saw it. It is infamous for ruining the career of excellent  director William Friedken (THE EXORCIST, THE FRENCH CONNECTION). However, I think the film is superb and well worth your time. Adding gritty seventies violence, international intrigue, and Roy Scheider to any old movie is usually a great idea in my opinion.

I love you Roy Scheider!

Things Ian Watches: HELL IN THE PACIFIC

1968, dir. John Boorman*

 

First of all, how badass is that title? HELL IN THE PACIFIC. Sounds like this is going to be a pretty hardcore movie with all sorts of destruction and people getting their faces melted off, but in fact its rated G. But no matter, because the film is excellent. The plot is incredibly simple: In World War II, an American and a Japanese soldier both wash up on a deserted island in the Pacific. At first they try to kill each other, but eventually they join forces and its incredibly heartwarming. Is there anything better than watching grizzled old racists learn the value of acceptance? Nope, I can’t think of anything.

There are only two actors in the film and they are two of the coolest dudes of all time: Toshiro Mifune (from a bunch of the Kurosawa films), and Lee Marvin (from THE DIRTY DOZEN and pretty much every cool movie your dad likes). They look like this:

Have you ever seen two men so grizzled? Lee Marvin looks like Swamp Thing in that scene.

The best parts of the film are in the first act, when Marvin and Mifune are being total dicks to each other. Marvin pees on Mifune and smashes up his lobster traps, and then Mifune chases him into the jungle with a samurai sword he carved out of wood! There is also a hilarious scene where they fantasize about how they will kill each other, while weird saxophone jazz music plays. Why jazz music? Is that what you hear in your head when you commit murder?

Overall, it’s an exciting and well acted movie. I may be biased, as any movie where people crash on a tropical island and build a raft out of sticks really gets me going. A tale of adventure on the high seas!

*John Boorman also directed the classic DELIVERANCE. Between these two films, he is probably the greatest director of films in the “tough dudes struggling to survive in the wilderness”genre. However, he also directed ZARDOZ, which features this:

Um. Alright then.

WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME: PART 1

Hi there! Welcome to our blog. I'm mostly going to write about movies. I'm not sure what Matt will write about. Probably something to do with mustaches. Anyways, we made this blog while eating lots of Little Caesars pizza while watching Tim and Eric. It took a while. Hope you like it.